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• W4205546776 abstract "this summer, high river Chachi Hauser (bio) Our bed smells of his sweat. At night, my skin absorbs his skin whether or not P is beside me. My body smells like his now; I’ve forgotten my own smell. For months on end, the river has pulsed swollen beside our city, New Orleans—record amounts of rain and melted winter snows up north moving towards the Gulf through the deep path, carved in the earth by water and reinforced by humans, called the Mississippi. Now, its need for release threatens our false peace. Upstream, the river has already flooded millions of acres of farmland. I almost feel sorry for the river, I almost want to break it free myself, if only my hands were strong enough to peel apart the levees on either side of the brown water, like a pair of thighs. Each day, we wake, we drive over potholed pavement, streets like choppy sea, move in and out of buildings I’m not sure will hold. When the rain falls, we watch anxiously through distorted glass as water gathers around tires, as it creeps up the bodies of our cars with so much want. ________ On the plaster walls of a community center in Mississippi in the early 1950s, Walter Anderson painted murals. In 2019, I stand with P in front of one of Anderson’s scenes: pelicans made up of pastel patches of sunlight and blue clouds, wings expanding across sky. Often, artist and naturalist Anderson rowed himself eight miles out to Horn Island, a skinny barrier island, to be completely alone for weeks on end. There, he painted and wrote about the creatures he observed. Once, when the dark clouds of Betsy came rolling over the Gulf, he tied his boat and his body to the trunk of a tree. P and I walk through the small, quiet Walter Anderson museum in Ocean Springs with sinking bellies full of fried “cheese bombs.” On our drive back to New Orleans from Dauphin Island, we’d made a pit stop to see P’s childhood friend at the restaurant where he now works, Woody’s, a fake Applebee’s on a nearby main street of hot moving metal and strip [End Page 53] malls. Across the bay, the massive casinos of Biloxi jut out on the edge of Mississippi Sound, flaunting their impossibility, their excess. Anderson wished to preserve the natural landscape of the Gulf Coast, to convince others of the urgency of his desire—with his paintings, hoping to show that the swampy landscape, the brown-water beaches, had more to offer us than oil. As I walk through these muted, over-air-conditioned rooms, walls filled with his paintings, streaks of greens, blues, purples—a tree, a crab, an alligator—I keep thinking this museum feels like a celebration of his failure. ________ There’s a girl P wants to have sex with again and he says he wants me to be there, to be a part of it somehow, even though he’s able to put this into words only in her presence and not in mine. I see their bare feet swinging over the bayou’s green surface, their hands resting on hot concrete, propping up their torsos as they sit next to each other, the space between their bodies more purposeful than an embrace. Would you want to sleep over at our house some time? he asked, again making me into a phantom limb with which he can reach out and touch her, and she laughed girlishly, surprised by his forwardness, and said she’d think about it. ________ As I write this, the streets are filling again with water. As I write this, I’m easily distracted and have a bad taste in my mouth and can’t stop picking at the skin on the edges of my face. I used to find meaning in so many meaningless things. I used to get angrier. I wonder how many words I will write in my lifetime and how many more I will destroy before they even meet the page. How many words will it take to unearth myself, whoever I am inside this..." @default.
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• W4205546776 date "2021-01-01" @default.
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• W4205546776 title "this summer, high river" @default.
• W4205546776 doi "https://doi.org/10.1353/psg.2021.0043" @default.
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