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• W4366070100 abstract "April 23, 2020, and: April 25, 2020 Julia Kolchinsky Dasbach (bio) and Luisa Muradyan (bio) April 23, 2020 Dear L, This is harder than the war,Babushka says. I question hermemory. What hard has cometo mean almost thirty yearspast immigration, seventy-fivepast famine. I never wenthungry, she tells me, rememberingtheir balcony, the length of manycommunal apartments, Kamunalki,a name sounding more likea slur for a womanwho loves too eagerlythan shared living space,but maybe love is learninghow to share a bathroomwith strangers who becomefamily. Here, neighborshoard toilet paper.Here, we struggleto keep familyfrom turning strange.I was eating matzo, she continues,next I expect violence, a bloodyJewish nose or torn skirt.A boy tore it out of my hands,she says, he was justthat hungry. And I hear [End Page 159] pity in her voice, L.As though she would havegiven him the stale, unrisencrust. This too, I'm not sureI believe. Your pra-babushkawas never touched, she's told me,by any hands she didn't want,and this, L, this I knowI don't believe. You see,she worked in kitchens,nights sometimes, servingsoldiers, always making sureher children were fed.Oh god, L, if Babushkaread this, she'd neverforgive me. The meresuggestion of violationis enough. I have to wear a mask,she says, just to walk throughthe apartment building now.It's so uncomfortable. She hatesbeing touched by anythingnot of her blood. Loves kissingher children's cheeks, grandchildren'snecks, and her great-grand-baby'spink forehead, teaching her howto bring it ever so gentlytoward hers: Barrrrrranbarrrrrran barrrrrran butz.Ram Ram Ram, boom?Maybe this is wheredifficulty really comes from.Longing for such slowcollision of body.Barrrrrran barrrrrran barrrrrranbutz, I bring the baby's headas close as possible [End Page 160] to the screen and hopethis is enough. I begyour mother come inside,she tells me, but shejust brings the groceriesand leaves them in the doorway. April 25, 2020 Dear J, Today I made chocolate chip cookieswith my son. To date we have madebrownies, khachapuri, pelmeni, vareniki,vanilla cake, and trays full of Jell-O that wenever eat but use to bury the bodies of plasticdinosaurs. I can't describe the look on mymother's face when she saw through the screenthe games we make of our food. L,food is not a toy, there was so littlefor so long, aren't you ashamed? And J,yes, I am so ashamed. So much shameI cannot undo in the kitchen. Like the cakeI had planned to bake for my sixteenth birthdaythe first year I wanted to try making a Napoleonall by myself. I waited all day, dreaming of layersupon layers in my classes. When the bell rangI ran out to the parking lot and a boywho had pretended to be my friendshoved me into his car to give me a birthdaypresent. J, it was what I told him I always wanted,an Easy-Bake Oven, something from my childhoodthat my parents could never afford. And J it was coveredin swastikas, and J he found a doll that looked like [End Page 161] me, she had my dark hair, my eyes, my Godhe shoved her inside. He must have spentsome time forcing her plastic legs throughthe oven door.Even now I can't breatheeven now I don't knowhow I got homeI just remember running.I didn't bake for years.I didn't tell my mother why.But here I am watching my soncrack an egg in his toddler way.He separates the yolk fromthe white and beams at mewith his new skill.I put my hand onhis shoulder and right nowfor at least this moment,the kitchen is quietthe kitchen is safe. [End Page 162] Julia Kolchinsky Dasbach Julia Kolchinsky Dasbach emigrated from..." @default.
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• W4366070100 date "2022-03-01" @default.
• W4366070100 modified "2023-10-17" @default.
• W4366070100 title "April 23, 2020, and: April 25, 2020" @default.
• W4366070100 doi "https://doi.org/10.1353/psg.2022.0071" @default.
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